IMAGINE WHAT ANIMALS THINK …

Do you ever try to imagine what animals think? You don’t know if you’re right or wrong — the animals will never tell you. The fun is that you can make up whatever stories amuse you to go with their expressions.

For example, as you walk up to a horse, she looks like she’s smiling. Wow, you think. She’s remembering our last ride and she’s glad to see me. Then again, maybe not. Maybe she’s laughing at a great joke she heard — or she’s laughing at you. Horses do have senses of humor and sometimes you act funny.

Animals with Attitude

Cats, on the other hand, don’t bother to hide their feelings. Cats have attitude. You don’t need to imagine what animals think when it comes to your cat: I’m entitled. You’re here to serve.

The goose is another animal with attitude — often a grumpy one. I don’t know how much experience you’ve had with geese, but if you find yourself near a grumpy goose, get out of the way — unless you enjoy abuse. Those hisses and honks are assaults of gripes and grumbles — possibly about your faults. What have you done wrong? Everything!

Funny Fun-Loving Frogs of the Amazon

The red-eyed tree frogs are not just pretty faces. They’re slapstick comics, leapfrogging through the jungle, doing acrobatics. In their case, what the animals think is clear — let’s have some fun. Their antics can inspire all kinds of imaginings. For example, here’s a tree frog chasing a bug.

Imagine — He’s coming up his walk when he spies the delicious-looking bug. He calls to his wife, “Hey, Martha. Cancel the reservations. I’ve got dinner here.”

When the bug makes a run for it, the frog tries charm: “No. Don’t go. I was only kidding with my wife. It was a joke. Can’t you take a joke?”

“No.” And the bug darts away.

“Wait up. You’re new around here, aren’t you? Cmon. Then we’re neighbors. We got off to a bad start. I just want to be friends.”

Finally, the frog tries his hurt act. He whines, “I’m starting to think you don’t trust me.”

(The bug got away, and the frogs ordered in.)

IF ANNOYING NEIGHBORS WERE FROGS

Did you ever have those neighbors you couldn’t get rid of — the nosy ones who were always peering over the fence spying on you? The ones who try to worm their way into your life. It’s easier to understand what animals think than it is to get into the heads of some people.

Even worse is the frog that comes at you with a slick line. He may ooze charm but trust me — he wants something. Don’t fall for him.

Baby, why don’t you dump the toad and climb aboard? Sail with me. We’ll take a moonlight spin down the river.
How’d you like to go to the Alexandria Boat Club? It’s exclusive but I can get you in. They know me.
You like my new boat? Yep. It’s fantastic — it sure beats the heck out of hopping over river rocks. I bought it with the money I made on a great investment. I can see if I can get you in on the deal.

WHAT ANIMALS THINK — CRAFTY CATS

Entitled! That’s the word for cats (but I needed a “c” word for the title). You can never do enough to gain a cat’s appreciation.

What are your guesses as to what’s in this cat’s head?

You said, here Kitty? Well, bless your heart.
Yes. I am entitled.
Come? Me? You’re kidding of course.
A mouse? Let me know when you’ve caught it.
How long do I have to ignore you?

Remember the story of The Princess and the Pea? This princess was caught in a storm for some reason. She came to a queen’s home saying she’s a princess in need of shelter. The queen took her in and made a rather excessive bed for her — twenty eiderdown beds on top of twenty mattresses. Not a trusting soul, she put a tiny pea underneath them all. The next morning, the princess grumbled about the bed. The princess was a cat.

Not all cats are princesses. Some are pugilistic. So, back off the alley cats. What these animals think is aggressive. Then there’s the cool cat — another guy who will lead you on given half a chance. And his lines are as old as the pyramids.

Baby, you’re finer than dumpster steak at the Ritz.
Hey, good lookin. Wanna come up and see the view from my place?
I can be yours — all of me. Just swipe right.
You’re one fine feline. Play your cards right and you might end up with me.
I don’t date Republicans. Just kidding. I had one for dinner last night.

OUR ADORING DOGS

We all believe our best friends, the dogs, adore us. They usually do, but dogs have over twenty expressions and they use them all for one thing — to control us. If you’ve come under the you-forgot-my-dinner gaze, you understand.

And how many times have you met the I’m-not-guilty face on your buddy and started looking for whatever mess he’s made? That face swears to his innocence — even when we’ve caught him red-handed with the evidence.

How can you resist the Rescue-Me face on this guy? That face sings a sad song.

Can’t you see that I’m lonely? Rescue me.
I’m so lonesome I could cry.
Try a little tenderness.
Baby, I need your lovin.

All Horses Go to Heaven

I’m pretty sure that’s true. I’ve known it since I got to know the horses at Freedom Hill Horse Rescue in Owings, Maryland. It’s no wonder they’re used in therapy. Their therapy works for me. When I’m feeling down, all I need is to go to Freedom Hill and hug a horse. I wonder if I could take a support horse on a plane.

Ever see a horse laugh?

Scientists say they don’t actually laugh — but I’m not a scientist. So when I see a horse with a big grin on his face, I’m pretty sure he’s thinking of something funny.

This is Benni. What do you think he’s laughing at? Could be he’s remembering a joke — horses’ jokes aren’t hay but they are corny. Are you ready?

A pony went to the doctor with a sore throat. The doctor said, “Nothing to worry about. You’re just a little horse.”
How do you make an appaloosa? Just shake the tree.
The waiter gave the horse a glass of water, but he couldn’t make him drink.
Which side of the horse has the most hair? The outside.
Why are horses louse dancers? They have two left feet.
What do you call a cowboy frog? Hopalong Cassidy.
What does the mother horse tell her foal at nine p.m.? It’s pasture bedtime.