A Day Filled with Old Southern Sayings Can Ruffle Some Feathers  

I was looking for a document in my computer when I ran across a list of old Southern sayings, aphorisms, and proverbs I heard my family say when I was a child. We don’t often hear them anymore, and that’s a shame. They paint people, situations, and sensations in graphic colors. When Daddy described a neighbor as, “crookeder than a barrel full of snakes,” he did more than make a measly observation. He drew a cartoon worthy of The New Yorker.

I suppose I was bored and in need of some entertainment, so I began to imagine how people would react if I were to respond to their questions and comments with these old sayings. I was feeling feisty. If Mama had been there to see the look on my face, she’d have said, “I see the mischief in your eyes.” I decided I’d do it. Tomorrow would be a day of speaking in old Southern sayings.

I started in the morning.

At breakfast, my husband looked up from the news and said, “I’m worried about Max.” First, I had to do a mental checklist of the Maxs we know to figure out who he was talking about. We had just seen our grandson, Max, and he was fine. I didn’t know why he would worry about the carpenter who had put in the new screen door. Of course! He was referring to his man-crush, Max Scherzer, pitcher for the Washington Nationals.

I had the perfect response. “He’s all stove up again?”

Ron sounded distraught. “He’s out for the opening game of the playoffs.”

“Doesn’t that just get your goose? When will they learn that they can even work a good horse to death?”

“Huh?”

“I’ve gotta run. Today’s going to be busier than all get out.”

I drove off feeling full of myself.

At work I didn’t have to wait long for an opportunity to use a wise saying. One of the recruiters said, “I can’t believe people. Our client called me after she found the temp asleep under a desk in an empty office at three o’clock in the afternoon.

I cut in to say, “That cooked his goose!”

She stopped a beat, but went on. “Yes. I fired him, and you can’t imagine his attitude. He said he didn’t know why everyone was so upset. He was tired and knew he would do a better job when he was rested.”

I gave her my most empathic look. “Some people don’t have the sense God gave a goose. That boy wasn’t raised right. What did the client say? I’m sure her feathers were ruffled.”

The recruiter looked puzzled, but just said, “No. Actually, she took it better than I did. She didn’t blame us, and I sent Tom to her as a replacement and he’s terrific.”

“Good. It sounds like you poured oil on the waters.”

Another recruiter hung up the phone with a disgusted sigh. She said, “That was Mary Jones calling to complain about the job again. I asked if she wanted me to replace her. She doesn’t.”

I was loving this.

“She is a worry-wart, but her complaints don’t amount to a hill of beans. She just likes to beat her gums. Don’t let her get your dander up.”